The Evolution of New Year's Resolutions

January 1

Begin strict new exercise regime. Maintain aerobic heart rate all day everyday via walking, running and hopping on alternate feet while folding laundry. Lose 50 lbs. Send picture to Self magazine and sort through influx of modeling contracts before choosing best option.

Be exceptional Dr. Laura-like wife. Look beautiful, give husband lots of rest and relaxation, show appreciation and have warm home cooked meals on table when said husband arrives home from straining job, cooked with only the freshest organic ingredients.

Make great strides in motherhood a la June Cleaver. Spend individual quality time with each child, at least one hour a day. Demonstrate patience and self control in handling children. Be an example of grace and dignity to small daughter. Train two young boys to be gentlemen. Garnish children with praise.

January 4
Admit that perfection is unattainable. Chuckle to self about self's lofty goals, and revise.

Exercise regularly, say, everyday. Lose 35 pounds. Place Self magazine on nightstand to inspire and give exercise and diet ideas. Fit into pre-pregnancy jeans.

Be great wife. At least wear make-up and change out of sweats laden with spit up. Allow rest and weekend naps for husband, who is working so hard all week. Cook decent dinners, try to have ready when he arrives home.

Be more patient mother. Spend 30 minutes individual quality time with each child. Teach daughter to be ladylike and have manners. Encourage boys to be kind and more gentle ... mostly with daughters feelings/temper. Focus on the positive!

January 7
Sigh.

Exercise 2-3 times a week. Cleaning bathtub/toilet/sink = exercise. Lose 15 pounds. Get new jeans. Leave Self magazine on nightstand for inspiration and so husband believes you are trying.

Be good wife. Use baby wipe to wipe spit up off aforementioned sweats before husband arrives home. Cook meals, be nice.

Cut back on screaming at kids. Attempt to keep daughter dressed, or at least try to get her to put her underwear back on after using the restroom. Make son scrape his own boogers off the wall himself. Look for the positive.

January 8
Burn previous resolutions and make scary cackling sound while doing so.

Get out of bed. Try not to fall on face while doing so. Resist calling every woman in Self magazine a five lettered word. Remind self that those women are malnourished miserable cows with nothing better to do than run 93 miles a day.

Husband knew what he was getting when he married you, and it wasn't Giada de Laurentis.

Kids are doomed. In the meantime, try not to mix up their names. Or, at least, do not call daughter by male name.

Enjoy 2008!