My White Trash America Membership Card Should Be Arriving Shortly

I had to go to the dentist last week.

While in Big Bear over Labor Day weekend, we feasted on many good meals. After one such meal, I could feel a wad of food stuck in between two of my teeth. One of these teeth is capped by a crown that does not fit properly, leaving space between the crown and my gum. The food wad started to really irritate my gums. I did not pack floss, and Matt's mom had retired to her bedroom for the night; I didn't want to bother her to ask for some.

Instead, I resorted to my classy, elegant family training, and ripped the corner off of a nearby sturdy magazine cover (a Southern Living catalog, to be exact). Magazine Floss, have you tried it? Every magazine my mom passes down to me is laden with those little white subscription cards ... with one corner ripped off. My dad is a master magazine flosser. (Please note that Christie's Mom does not use magazine pages to floss her teeth. Perhaps her Ralphs Club Card, but I have not seen her use magazines.) Interestingly, Matt has also taken up magazine flossing, happy to carry on the tradition and heritage of his elders.

Back to the food wad. I took the piece of magazine and crammed it in between my teeth, anxious to relieve my throbbing gums. I wiggled it a bit and started to pull it out of my mouth, but all I heard was "rrrrriiiippppp." I glanced down at the paper, and it was torn in half.

A large chunk of Southern Living at Home was lodged between my teeth. With the pork tenderloin.

Going from bad to worse, Matt finally went into his mom's room to hunt down some dental floss (you know, the real stuff...), but as I jammed it between my teeth, the paper just became more and more stuck up in my gums. And it was wrapping itself around the gap between my crown and my gum. I could NOT get the stupid paper out of my mouth.

Let me paint an illustration for you. Here I am, a 28 year old mother of three, standing in a bathroom with a Cover Girl True Beige compact shoved in my mouth, using the mirror and a pair of tweezers in an industrious effort to remove a catalog cover from my teeth.

I am so sure that this exact thing happened to Jackie O. at some point.

Needless to say, my efforts were fruitless, and a trip to the dentist was necessary. (Might I point out that going to our dentist is actually quite enjoyable. All movies and vibrating chairs and such. Compared to the screaming, crying and pooping going on here, it is like a trip to the day spa!). He removed the catalog from my teeth and patched up a nearby filling, I think simply to make the whole trip NOT about taking paper out of my teeth.

And then I asked him if his wife would be interested in purchasing some lovely products from Southern Living at Home; I had the catalog quite handy (as in, wadded up on his stainless steel tool tray) and I just know she would love some Parisian Luminaries!

(Just kidding. I did not do that. I was too engrossed in the feature film and enjoying my massage chair. And I couldn't wait to hightail my humiliated gums out of there. )